'Let Me Walk Upon The Waters'

Dear Friends and Family, 

I hope you are all well. It's been some time since I last wrote and I have actually tried to write this post twice already but struggled to finish it and to know how to update you. As you can probably imagine a lot has happened in the last few weeks and so it's tricky to summarise in just a short post, but I feel this is well overdue now and so I will do my best to give you the details and answers to prayer, 

I think I might start at the end! With the news that the tumour was not cancerous, that the surgeon is fairly certain that they removed the whole of it and that we can begin to live normally again! Praise God! Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support! Again, so appreciated and needed throughout this whole process. 

Something that I do need to tell you that previously I have not talked about is that there is a second smaller tumour that is more embedded in the brain. We have known about it since the summer when Owen had his earlier scans but the surgeon has never shown too much concern over it. Now that we know that the main tumour was not cancer we can relax a little about this second one, however it is still there and does still need your ongoing prayers...please! 
The main tumour has been there for years and years it seems, perhaps even since Owen was born, and it has only now decided to make itself known, so if this is anything to go by then we may have years before the second tumour is any cause for concern, if it grows at a similar rate. If/when it comes to it, it would not be able to be operated on due to it's position and so Owen would have to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy. 

So here's where your prayers are needed! We need a miracle! We need the second tumour to disappear please! 
Owen will have another scan in 3 months time, and then every 6 months after that to monitor what's going on. So we're praying that when we come to one of these scans it is just not there anymore!
Needless to say that the story is far from over! We definitely feel a sense of relief at the operation being over, in knowing we can start to live more normally again, but God is not finished with this story yet. I've no doubt that there's more for us to learn, more opportunities to speak of all that He's doing in us and in this situation, and more chances for people to be encouraged by their answered prayers when we update you. 

The Sunday after the operation I took Quinn and Jonah to church while Owen rested at home. We sang Oceans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY) and it so described where I was at. At that point I was feeling broken, exhausted and fearful of the results of the biopsy of the tumour. We sang this song and I cried. As I listen to it now as I write I'm crying again. It's just as relevant now as it was two and half weeks ago, only now I'm not fearful. I'm not scared of the next chapter. As the song says,  
                   Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
                   Let me walk upon the waters 
                   Wherever You would call me
                   Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
                   And my faith will be made stronger
                   In the presence of my Savior.

I'm ready to say yes to whatever God has for us next. If that is a miracle I'm excited for it, if it's to face chemo and radiotherapy I know my God will lead us through and help us to 'walk upon the waters.'. 

If you're wondering about God and suffering, and how we trust him despite our circumstances, I'm not going to say it's easy but equally I can tell you that we absolutely could not have gotten through this with out the assurance of His love and the peace that passes all understanding and the knowledge that the creator of the universe was working in the situation to bring the best outcome. He did not give Owen the tumour, but He has brought about the best case scenario following a very serious operation. He has helped us to keep our eyes above the waves, to keep them fixed on the Lighthouse and to stay strong as a couple and a family. 

I may write a post in the future about the week leading up to the operation and the days around the operation itself, but I think I need a bit of time before I come to that! 

You never know, Owen may even write one himself to tell you a little bit from his perspective! 

Thank you again for your love and  prayers. 

Much love and Blessings

Rachael xx

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

Songwriters: Joel Houston / Matt Crocker / Salomon Lighthelm 

Beginning of the End

Dear Friends and Family,

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything, partly because I wasn't in the right frame of mind  and partly because I just didn't feel it was right. But now it feels appropriate to update you again and so I hope this finds you all well.

The last couple of weeks have not been easy. What has felt such a long way off over the summer is suddenly only a week away. Next week sees two visits to Oxford for more testing and the pre-op on Monday and Wednesday respectively, then the operation on Thursday.
When people have asked how we're doing over these past couple of weeks the only word that has come to mind is 'Looming!'. There's been a real feeling of the operation looming just ahead of us and all of a sudden we can't push the thought of it away any more. We can't push aside the little worries and anxieties that previously we've been able to ignore. Now, we have to face them. Head on! (so to speak!).

I'm not sure I can fully verbalise all those anxieties, but some were to do with Quinn and Jonah and the upheaval they will go through next week with us not being around for half the week, some to do with how full on it's going to be with going backwards and forwards to Oxford, the enormity and seriousness of the operation and the risks, and the unknown of the recovery and possible side effects. For Owen the worries come from concern of being in hospital for longer than expected and the tumour being  worse than they originally thought.
These things were coming into my head on occasion but I think the biggest demonstration of my personal fears has been made apparent physically rather than mentally. I have struggled to sleep well, I have had aches and pains, particularly in my back, I have felt distant and more fearful than I have felt since this all started. Horrible. Just horrible. It's crazy how your body takes on the stress of your mind, something I've talked about with a couple of friends recently.

Over this time I have come across the same verse over and over again. And of course I ignored it! Not intentionally, but I did! The verse was, 'Be still and know that I am God.'.
In other words, 'Stop! Focus on me in the midst of it all. Realise that I am God and have full control over this situation.'. But my mind was not in the right place to read this verse and actually apply it. I couldn't live in the truth of it. This verse has been really significant for me in the past so it was strange to read it and not be able to take it in and make myself be still in the midst of it all.

Mixed in with the  tiredness, physical struggles and worries hovering in the back of my mind there has been normal daily life stuff. Jonah has been ill, Quinn is still adjusting to the busyness of school and so by Thursday in the week is exhausted, and Owen has had several late finishes at school with parents evenings (which are fine but just that bit more to the tiredness). So on Sunday night when there was a call for those wanting prayer for healing to go and receive it I went. I asked for prayer for Owen's head (obviously!), but also for my back which had been particularly painful, almost feeling injured in some way. The lady who prayed for me had a picture (a vision) of an autumn leaf falling from a tree with the words 'Let it go!'. (I know all you Disney fans now have the song going through your head!). Initially I wasn't sure exactly what it might mean, but as she and others prayed more for me and Owen I began to realise just how much I was holding on to with regards to the operation. How much anxiety I had built up without realising. As I began to talk about it with ladies praying for me it all came flooding out, it was a relief. I still didn't feel at ease but it was a relief to have verbalised my worries.

As this last week has gone on I have felt a nudge to pray for our sleep, not just to pray for our sleep but to plead with God for consistently good nights. To be persistent in my prayers, I asked prayer for this in my last post also. I can tell you that these last 3/4 nights we have both had deep restful sleep, not disturbed by restlessness or by children (even though they have both woken or moaned in the night), even when we have woken in the night we have fallen back to sleep quickly and it hasn't affected our feeling of restfulness the next morning. So thank you for your prayers in this area, so much! I ask that you please keep praying for this over the next few weeks.

On Wednesday night, after I reinstalled the Bible app on my phone, now that I have a phone again, I read the last couple of days of the verse of the day. Monday's verse was, 'I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' (Psalm 16:8). That was all I needed! It was one of those moments, of which I have only had a couple of times before, where I instantly felt the power of the words I was reading. I felt the able to face the next week. I can do this now! I'm ready! Next week can happen now because I'm ready for it! Let's do this!
Suddenly all the reassurance I'd felt at the beginning came flooding back and I felt the same peace and reassurance that all would be well, that the glory of God would be seen through what has to happen next week. God is good!
After reading the verse I had a little cry and all the physical tension was released also.

I would like to add that just because God has given me this peace and readiness to go through next week, doesn't mean I don't still feel the enormity of it. I know that Owen has a feeling of relief that it is finally here and that the beginning of the end is close, but that he also still feels the enormity of it too. It's the biggest, scariest challenge we have faced so far, both individually and in our marriage. If we didn't have God I genuinely don't know how we would have coped, or how we would face next week. Some may see belief in God as a crutch. But you know what, a crutch is designed to hold you up, support  you, give rest to the injured limb and enable you to walk through this life. My God does this and unbelievably more. I wouldn't be without Him.

So as we go into next week, we really value your prayers and knowing that so many of you are praying for us in this. Thank you again.

I'll update you as I'm able and give you reports of how the operation has gone.

Many Blessings to you all, Much Love

Rachael xx

Thank You!

Dear Friends and Family,


I feel it's right at this point to say thank you for reading and following our story. Knowing that you are supporting and praying for us is a huge encouragement.


The operation is three weeks from today and so I wanted to use this post to write our specific prayer requests; for the next few weeks leading up to the operation, the operation itself and for the recovery.


One of our biggest prayer requests for the next few weeks is REST!
This is really important on so many levels. Firstly, Owen has been told that it is really vital that he remain as rested as possible in order to prevent the risk of more seizures and that he must be rested for the operation itself.


Here's where the challenge lies...Quinn and Jonah!
So Jonah has always been a bit of a challenge on the sleep front! A combination of teething and growth spurts (which seems to be a constant state!!) have meant that sleep has just never been guaranteed with him!
Quinn was once an amazing sleeper, we were incredibly blessed with her as a baby. Since Jonah was born however, things have taken a turn for the worse, and more recently since all this has been going on I think this has definitely been an area of spiritual attack.
This last week particularly has been hard going with Quinn having picked up a virus that gave her a horrible cough that made her sick. Between being up with Quinn in the night while she was being ill and Jonah waking at 4.30am we got next to no sleep.
I'm not telling you this for sympathy, I'm telling you this because I really feel that if we hadn't been able to get away for a night on Friday and catch up on some sleep that Owen would have been at risk of having a seizure due to exhaustion. The timing of that night away and the prompting to book it absolutely felt led by God.
So, the prayer request here is that Quinn and Jonah sleep long and deep through the night, every night. Also, for good health and a protection against illness for all of us and a supernatural rest and relaxation leading up to the operation.


Our second prayer request is for complete peace and trust in God for all that lies ahead. That our hearts and minds be protected from the evil one. That the joy of the Lord would be our strength when we're tempted to listen to the lies and fall in to fear.


Thirdly, as we think about the operation, our prayer is that the tumour itself would be a completely self contained mass. That it would not be connected with the brain but that it would just be a mass sitting by itself, therefore enabling the surgeon to simply remove it without any concern over cutting into Owen's brain and causing potential damage.


Another prayer point regarding the surgery is that it will be the best it can be, that Owen will have the operation, be in overnight, come home and recover. That there will be no complications or unforeseen circumstances. That his recovery will be quick and uneventful.


Finally, we ask that you pray we keep our eyes fixed on the Lighthouse, that we wouldn't forget what we felt from the beginning, that this is about more than just us. That we are in His hands and He is using this for something amazing.


I think these are our main prayer needs. Once again, thank you for your on going prayer and support.


What a season we're in. As we face the changing of the seasons I pray you may see God at work in the details of your lives also.


Much love


Rachael xx

A High Place in the Desert

Dear  Friends and Family,


At the end of my last post I said I wanted to tell you about a word, a prophecy (knowledge about the future) I suppose, that I was given 11 years ago by a man I didn't even know.
Over the years I have gone back to it and read it but never felt that it was quite the right time yet. Earlier in the summer I came back to it again and it suddenly made sense. It felt right for now and what we're going through. It is also partly where the name of this blog comes from, On Wings Like Eagles.


I wondered if I should share the whole thing with you, but I have decided to as it may encourage someone. So here it is....


"The Lord is burdened with a huge love for you and He wants to pour it on to you so that you soak in His love-you simply need to take a step into his presence.
He has cared for you and nurtured you all your life (even if you were unaware of it). He holds you cupped in his hands, a small bird fully feathered and ready to fly, but just needing his reassurance. The Lord holds you high and launches you into the sky, because he knows you are ready, he has confidence in you and he is with you-He wants you to soar on the wings of an eagle. There are no limits!
As the Lord releases you into the air from a high place in the desert you are able to gain height and to use the thermals to soar-this helps you to see from afar the lush vegetation and the promise of new life."


He also gave this verse, Psalm 73:23-26
                            "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep
                             on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
                             Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on
                             earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains
                             the strength of my heart, he is mine forever."


There are couple of aspects of this that I want to talk about. Firstly, when I read this over the years I never really paid attention to the fact that he writes about being released from "a high place in the desert". Actually this is quite an important detail! If you describe a time of life as a desert time we can assume that it was hard and long and exhausting. It is in this desert time that we are in right now that God has chosen to pour out his love on me, on us, in a whole new way. It is in this desert time that he is reassuring me that I am ready for what he has planned for me and releasing me into it. We are where we are supposed to be. He is taking us to a high place so we can get a sense of being a part of something bigger.


There have been stretches of time where I have felt knocked down and a sense of being attacked over the last few months. A feeling of needing to be on my guard and praying at all times for protection over us all. But despite feeling attacked and exhausted with it all I have never once doubted God's love and protection over us. His hand in this and that all will be well in the end. But even though I have that trust and faith, my body and emotions don't always get the memo that they can be calm and relax! My body can be tense and my emotions can go haywire if I don't focus on Jesus.
I would absolutely describe this as a desert time. A hard and exhausting life experience with hard lessons to learn.


Secondly, "My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart, he is mine forever." He is my strength, my joy, my peace, my Lord, friend and Father all at once. Clearly I forget this at times and try to go it alone, this never goes well for me!
But when I fix my eyes back on Him I am able to do so much more. I can be joyful in tough times, I can be who he has made me to be and I can see the bigger picture. I can bring myself into line with His plans and know that they are good.


He is doing an awful lot in our lives at the moment and it all feels part of the same story even if we can't fully see how it all connects.
But I guess what I want to finish with is this; don't limit God. Don't look at your earthly circumstances and be discouraged by them because God is already there, he's already acting on your behalf. Seek His joy and His strength and be excited about how he's going to use what you're going through. I couldn't have understood His love and joy if I hadn't first experienced this fear and sadness of our circumstances. Expect big things of Him. Expect miracles!


Wow, I so needed to write this post to bring myself back in to a place of joy and contentment in God. This blog malarkey is brilliant at bringing me back in to an attitude of gratitude!


So I will leave it here, and again if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. I pray this all makes some sense and isn't just ramblings!


Have a marvellous week!
Blessings and much love to you all.


Rachael xx

Encounter

Dear All,

 

I hope you are all well and enjoying the beginning of the change of seasons. There's something quite comforting about beginning to exchange flip flops for proper shoes! Or is that just me!?

Anyway! Onwards!

The summer has been a time of waiting and patience (or at least learning to be more patient!). Waiting for scan dates for tests and for an operation date. (For those of you who haven't read the last post we do now know that the operation will be on the 20th October.)

At that first appointment at John Radcliffe Hospital Owen was given the impression that all the scans would be done quite quickly through July and August and that we would then be given an operation date quite soon after they were complete and the results reviewed.

We finally received a letter to say that his first scan at John Radcliffe (his other scan was arranged through Royal Berkshire Hospital.), would be on 21st July, we only received the letter on the 18th. So again having waited a long time for the letter there wasn't long to wait for the actual appointment.

The day of the appointment Owen was thankfully given lifts to and from the hospital with a friend from church and his sister. I took Quinn and Jonah for a walk into town by the canal. I felt quite calm about the scan, I wasn't fearful. Praise God! But I was tired! Drained.

As we arrived into town and walked onto the high street from the canal right in front of me was a group of people with banners saying "Jesus Loves You!"

Now ordinarily I wonder a little bit about how effective this approach is at opening up meaningful conversations with people. On this occasion I felt quite curious about who they were, and if I would recognise anyone. As I was thinking this I was approached by a man (who I think was one of the leaders of the group) and a woman. One of the first things he said to me was "Do you believe in healing?". To which my reply was, "Funny you should say that!"

I explained what was happening and that Owen was having his MRI scan right at that moment and that we were praying for healing. They prayed for us right there and then. What a blessing!

He asked if he could take my number so that he could message me encouragement and so I could update them with prayer points.

Giving your number to complete strangers is mostly considered to be a bit stupid but it felt right to give it to them. As a group they were stepping out in faith by reaching out to people in town and offering to pray with them. The circumstances of  them praying for us in that exact moment made them a part of the story and I hope to be able to bless them with news of how their faithful prayers have been answered. Funnily enough I received a message from Jose yesterday asking how we were doing! Which reminds me, I really must reply....!

As we've waited for each new piece of information and each scan we've had those moments of impatience, as you would expect anyone to have in this kind of situation. What I think is important though is not just that we are learning patience, but that God is absolutely in control of every detail and every date. Had the scan been on any other day that group of people would not have been in town and I would never have met them. As it happens they were only visiting for a week and on retreat at St Cassian's in Kintbury. They were only in town for that one day. But the encouragement I received from them and their prayers in that moment were just what was needed and absolutely showed how God was acting in the details, pouring out his blessings.

It's truly amazing how many people God has used and spoken through in this story, from as far back as 11 years ago. People we know, and those we don't. Words of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy and encouragement.

I want to tell you about the word of knowledge I was given 11 years ago...but that will have to wait until next time!

I want to leave you with this verse;

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Blessings and Much Love

Rachael xx

Dear Friends and Family (and friends of friends and family!)


I hope this finds you all well.


I wanted to take the opportunity to talk a little about the prayers that we have already seen answered during the last few months.


One of the biggest prayers I had from the start was that I would forget. That the image I had in my head of Owen during his seizures and how he looked in the hospital on the Friday night would just be completely erased from my memory. Each time we saw people for the first time since it happened we obviously found ourselves in a position of retelling the story. Each time I recounted what had happened those images just came flooding back into my head. Horrid! The scariest thing I've ever seen being repeated over and over in my head.
Those who were praying for us, I so appreciate your prayers on this. I can now tell people what happened without seeing it in my mind's eye. I can recall the facts, and I feel the emotion of the moment, but without the horror of the image. Praise the Lord!!


When I read back over messages that I sent various people on the Friday night my prayer request was for a distinct lack of fear. I needed to be calm, peaceful and strong for Owen. God absolutely answered those prayers! There is no other explanation (in my mind!) for my calmness, especially in those first days. It was not only strange given our circumstances but also completely uncharacteristic! I've been known to be a worrier in the past! But my prayer now is that I don't forget God's goodness in this, that for the future I know God's love will carry me through all that life throws at me. "Who am I to worry when the King of kings and the Lord of lords is working on our behalf!"


Owen's biggest prayer requests in that first week were for answers. For a timescale for treatment. For a feeling for himself of God's reassurance that all would be well.
We received the answers we needed from that first appointment at John Radcliffe that I told you about in the last letter. To know that it was definitely a tumour, that it wasn't cancer and that there was a definite course of action gave Owen (us!) the answers we needed.
A timescale for treatment has only been answered more recently. As some of you will know, last week we received a date for the operation. 20th October. Although sometimes this feels like a long way off given we originally expected a date sometime in late August or early September, we know that ultimately the timing of the operation is in God's hands and that the doctors are confident that Owen does not need to be rushed through for the operation. We now have something to work towards.
Owen's feeling of encouragement from God that it would all be fine in the end came at our church away day. The speaker that  day was a visiting speaker, and he talked of the greatness of God. He spoke of miracles he had witnessed and how God had revealed himself. Of how God had given him faith for those miracles. What a perfect subject for the day! The greatness of God and the miracles he performs to this day! Reassurance that God was right at the centre of this and that he would act. That all would be well.


" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose," Romans 8:28.


I realise that for some of you this may all sound a bit crazy. That we're convinced of answered prayer because that's what we want to believe. I understand that. All I can say, and make of this what you will, is that I have felt , and so has Owen, a sense of God being so close to us throughout this. His love, his protection, his hand on the little details. I hope that this is coming through in all the posts that I have written and will write because I absolutely want to give God the glory for all that he has done. All those little positives, the answered prayer and the sense of being carried through, they speak of God's goodness. I trust him for every step of the way, his hand is mighty to save!


Thank you for reading and I pray for a blessed week ahead for you all.


Much love


Rachel xx

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Dear Friends and Family,


I come to write this post feeling tired. Eyes half closed and a little unsure of what to tell you next. So I'm just going to start writing and trust that God will give me the words.

I left you last time, at the end of that first week, with unknowns. We didn't know if Owen had a tumour or if it was swelling on the brain. We were waiting for dates for scans. We didn't know if he had been referred to John Radcliffe or if this was going to be dealt with by Royal Berkshire.

The next couple of weeks answered a few of those questions. Firstly we received a letter from Royal Berkshire saying that Owen would have an MRI scan at West Berkshire Hospital (in Newbury, Praise the Lord!). Then a week later we received a letter from John Radcliffe saying that Owen had an appointment there with a neurosurgeon the following week! Slight confusion over appointments set by two different hospitals but hurrah for opportunities to get some answers!

I personally was so pleased that we had the appointment at John Radcliffe. It put my mind at ease knowing that we would be able to get the opinion of some of the top specialists in the country. This letter arrived on 25th June (having been written in the week after his seizures!) and the appointment was for the 28th June! So we didn't have to wait long!

Tuesday came round and Owen's mum came to take him to Oxford for his appointment. I went into town with the kids  taking them to Camp Hopson (Newbury's department store) toy department to look at all the toys. The two sales ladies were amazing and chatted with Quinn and Jonah, allowing them to play with some of the toys they had on display.

It's funny, I did not expect this part of the story to make me feel emotional, and yet here I am with tears in my eyes! I think looking back on it those ladies had no idea how helpful they were being in paying Quinn and Jonah so much attention. They were my angels that day. Offering me a little bit of strength while I waited to hear from Owen.

As we left the toys behind and did a couple of errands Owen rang to tell me how the appointment had gone. It was definitely a tumour. They had reviewed his original scans and were certain that it was a tumour, not swelling.

He did say that the seizures were a positive thing, that they were the very earlest indication of the tumour, that we had been alerted to its presence early on. He also said that from the scan they could tell that it was not cancer! Woowoo!

A lot of what was being said was positive; not cancer caught early, easy to remove. And yet I felt like I was being told again for the first time that Owen had a tumour. It hit me hard! Walking back to the car park I had to really try hard not to cry. I had to remind myself that nothing had changed, God was still in this, His hand was on every detail of what was happening and what was to come.

When I got home I managed to get hold of my sister to update her on what was going on. As I spoke with her God seemed to be at work because my initial shock and fear that had come over me after speaking to Owen was very quickly replaced with the peace and the knowledge that God has got this! It was going to be okay!

As I managed to get hold of my parents and a few friends, the more I talked about it the more confident I became.

Owen had invited two of our elders from church round that evening so that we could cover this new information in prayer. Our time with them was really lovely and we talked through where things were at, allowing us to process it all.

They prayed with us and as they did I was reminded of the verses that are also part of a song that say "His eye is on the sparrow." I saw a picture of an eye, with the silhouette of a sparrow in the centre of the eye. The verse this relates to is Matthew 10:29, " Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Even sparrows do not fall outside the Father's care! What encouragement! How marvellous to be confident in the knowledge that we are safe in the Father's care.



Having come to write this post with no idea what I was supposed to write I seem to have found the words! I hope that our story as I am recording it is making sense. If anything doesn't make sense please do feel free to ask, whether it's about the medical stuff or our faith. We will gladly attempt to answer any and all questions.

For now I think it might be time for bed!

So thank you for reading and until next time God Bless and much love.

Rachael xx

Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full

Dear Friends and Family,


I hope you are all enjoying your summer? For those of you on Facebook, I've enjoyed looking at your holiday photos. Hope you all had restful and restorative time away.


The next chapter of the story is in the week that followed the main event. I feel I should begin by saying (in case you don't already know this!) that ordinarily Owen is the super optimist and I am the.. I don't want to use the word pessimist... I'd like to say realist, in our marriage!
So, bearing that in mind the week went like this...
...I mentioned in the last post that elders from church came to pray for us on the Monday and left us feeling uplifted. With a sense of God's hand on us, believing for healing in whatever form that may take and for a sense of the joy of the Lord as my strength. God absolutely delivered on this promise for me. Absolutely supernatural, inexplicable joy! The situation we were in and what I had witnessed Owen go through should have had me a frazzled mess. But I felt calm, I felt positive, I felt a joy that I believe can only have come from God because it just did not make sense by human thinking. This let me be what Owen needed in those first days. The optimist.


I mentioned before that watching him go through it all that he did not look like my husband. In the week that followed he still did not appear to be the man I married. Understandably, he needed much reassurance that things were going to be okay. But  I can tell you that in the back of my mind I was wondering if those seizures had done long term damage. Damage to his memory and his state of mind. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to stay strong and to answer Owen's questions, and to remain positive. We appeared to have switched places. In these days we held on to the words of the doctor that as tumours go this was the best case scenario.


It is worth noting here that the epilepsy medication, Kepra, that Owen is on made him feel really rough and took a long time to adjust too, this also impacted his recovery and mind set. He had also been told that he would not be able to drive for a year, could not be alone with the children and would need to do nothing but rest for the foreseeable future.


As the week went on Owen slowly began to feel more positive. As he improved I slumped. The adrenaline wore off and exhaustion hit. By Friday I felt I could've slept  for the whole weekend. Owen was struggling with the side effects of the medication but was becoming more himself again. I began to feel very low and felt the weight of it all.


In amongst all this we had the blessing of Quinn's 3rd birthday! So lovely to have a day devoted to her with pancake breakfast, lunch out, playtime with friends at the local splash park and then birthday cake and strawberries back at ours. She was soooooo unbelievably excited and had been looking forward to her birthday for so long that it was especially important that we make it a special day for her even if it was planned at the last minute. It was simple but special and she loved it. Just to break up the writing, here is a picture of Quinn blowing out her candles!

           

The day after Quinn's birthday we received a phone call from the doctor at Royal Berkshire Hospital. He said that having reviewed the scan they were questioning if it was a tumour or whether it was possible that it was just swelling on the brain. This came as I was hitting my low point and Owen was beginning to feel more positive. He felt optimistic about this information, that  it may not be a tumour. I felt uneasy about it, that things became suddenly even more unknown. Was it a tumour or was it swelling? If it was swelling, what caused it? But I had to remain positive, and hold my tongue. Trusting that despite all the unknowns for us, it was not unknown to God and that he was in every single detail of what was going on. Patience!

That evening some friends, who we had already organised to come round about a month before, came round for pudding (which they ended up bringing themselves! Thank you Neil and Sandra!). The evening was spent talking it all through, processing, in a Spirit filled atmosphere. Our conversation felt guided and led to Neil and Sandra praying over us at the end of the evening. The feeling that remained was one of privilege. This sounds odd I realise! But we felt genuinely privileged to  be a part of whatever it is that God is doing in this. We all had such a sense that this was bigger than us, and that God was already and would continue to use this situation for His glory. That no matter where we were at with it, how we felt about it, whether we were having a good day or a bad day, His purpose would be fulfilled and it would be good. Praise the Lord!!

We continue to have good days and bad days in all this, but I can tell you that God is absolutely carrying us through, protecting us and giving us all that we need daily.

Thank you for reading.

God Bless

Much Love

Rachael xx

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength

Dear Friends and Family,


I hope this finds you well.


We have just returned from York. It was lovely to see some of you, and thank you again for your prayers and encouragement.


I guess my writing will now be about the lessons we have been learning, how we have experienced God in the midst of it all and the mixture of highs and lows.
Eventually I'll catch up with myself and when I write it will be an actual update rather than looking back on what has past. For now it will be remembering's!


I left you last time on the day Owen returned home from hospital. The next day was kind of a turning point for me. From scared and wondering what the heck was going to happen to complete peace that passes all understanding and a sense of purpose in what we were living through. If you can begin to see purpose in something it changes your whole outlook on it I think.


So, the next day was a Sunday. I had been thinking that maybe I would take Quinn and Jonah to church and leave Owen at home to rest, but he was certain that he wanted to go. This was unnerving but also encouraging at the same time! We all needed some kind of normality. We needed prayer and the support of our church family.


We had been told that church was holding a prayer meeting for us before the service, and as we arrived at church we were told that an encouraging number of people had attended and that the sense of support and unity that was displayed was amazing. This was our first indication that this was not just about us and the situation we were going through, it was bigger than that. God was already using this for far more than we would ever know, and one aspect of it was about calling the Church to prayer. To unite and to press in to God.
This was again displayed when the whole church prayed for us as one during the service. So uplifting.


I can't tell you who was speaking that morning or what was said, but I can tell you how God spoke to me. He spoke of joy, of strength, of His almighty power and His glory, of his working on our behalf and of how he would use this to speak to others.


The verse that was strong in my mind was Nehemiah 8:10. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." It had been on my mind for a few weeks already and now it seemed especially appropriate and necessary. What a marvellous lesson to learn, what a joyful lesson to learn! Who doesn't want to be joyful at the best of times, but especially in adversity.


I also began to think of how amazing it is that we know the CEO of the Royal College of Physicians, and how he was able to ensure that Owen received the best care while he was in hospital in the days before. God is good....and yet! How silly I felt when I had the sudden realisation that we have THE KING OF KINGS and THE LORD OF LORDS acting on our behalf every single step of the way!! Flipping amazing!! Who are we to worry when THE King is fighting for us!


My third line of thinking was of our friends and family and how this might impact them; of how God might use this for his glory and to speak to those around us in new ways. An opportunity for us to speak of God's hand on us throughout and all our answered prayers; an opportunity for his goodness and glory to shine.


Owen gave testimony that morning of the healing he had experienced only a couple of months before in his foot after he had broken it playing hockey. He had been facing surgery but when he had gone for prayer he felt a pulsing through his foot and at the X-ray he was told it was now healed. What marvellous timing. God had taught us truths about Himself in a relatively minor incident before we face a more serious situation! Jehovah Rapha! The Lord our healer!


We were given a pile of paper with verses and prayers and encouragements that people had written over the course of the weekend and during the prayer meeting that morning, and we were given the passage 1 Peter 1:3-9,


  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end results of your faith, the salvation of your souls."


Wow!


The next day when elders came to pray for us I was given the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength." There seems to be a theme emerging here! I was already feeling uplifted and joyful, a positivity that I'd never experienced before. An enabling to be what Owen needed me to be to support him and our family. To be strong and positive and courageous in the face of the giant we were facing.


Here ends another letter!


God Bless and Much Love to you,


Rachael xx


P.S: It seems that the comments section of the blog is not working (I will try and work out why), so if you would like to leave a comment or ask any questions please do so by Facebook or e-mail or phone. Thanks!

Good Morning! And a beautiful morning it is as I write. That makes me happy!


I left you last time after probably the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I would like to reassure you that from here on in the reading becomes easier!


The next morning I was in a bit of a daze, just trying to get my head round what was going on. Owen's mum was here and Quinn went and sat with her to watch Finding Nemo. A good friend came really early to do whatever she could to help. She had arrived at the house at 6.30am in case Quinn and Jonah woke up early but then went to walk her dog when we weren't up yet. She came back when everyone was awake and did washing up, got breakfast for us and made drinks. She took Quinn out for a walk and got her a comic. Such a huge blessing, just thinking about it makes me so grateful and a bit emotional. An amazing servant.


I still felt very on edge and nervous about going back to the hospital. I didn't know how Owen would be, whether he would be feeling more normal again or whether he would still be out of it and sick. I didn't know if he would know about the tumour.


I rang the hospital a few times, trying to find out how he was and which ward he had been moved to. The doctor I needed to speak to was on her rounds and so every time I rang I wasn't able to speak to her. I got a shock when the house phone rang and it was Owen! What a relief to know he remembered me! To know he remembered he was married and our phone number!! I didn't say anything about the tumour on the phone because I didn't know what he had been told by the doctor. He knew he was having an MRI scan that morning and he knew he had had seizures and been sick the night before, but that's all we talked about. I said we would get to the hospital as soon as we could.


It took longer than expected to get ready! Partly because I just couldn't think what I needed to do, partly because of the children and partly because I was answering messages and phone calls of encouragement and promises of prayers and practical help all morning. The church family is such an amazing thing. I can't stress this enough! The support and prayers we have received throughout  has been mind-blowing. If you ever wonder about the relevance and purpose of the church let me tell you that the power of prayer, of churches across the country and the world even, all praying for the same thing at the same time is immense. We have been upheld by those prayers. Felt the enormous power of them in a situation that should have us falling apart.


Owen's sister came to look after Quinn and to take her to a birthday party she had been looking forward to. Thanks Gemma, that made the day so much easier! And of course she loved spending time with one of her aunties.
Myself and Owen's parents were then able to go to Reading hospital. I felt sick all over again. But as we arrived on his ward we saw him sitting up in a wheelchair being wheeled back from his MRI scan. He was almost himself, obviously tired, but chatting and doing well.
Though he had no real memories of what had happened the night before, or even of what we had done the previous afternoon.
Owen's parents gave us some time to ourselves and took Jonah for a walk. We hugged, cried a bit, talked about what had happened, and my heart swelled with a huge love for husband knowing that I would be lost without him.


While we were eating some lunch the doctor came with the MRI results. They were fairly certain that there was a 2-3cm tumour at the front of his brain. An operable position. The scans would be sent to John Radcliffe in Oxford to be looked at by the specialists to determine the next step. This could be a biopsy or complete removal straight away. Brain surgery! Hmm!
He said that the seizures had almost certainly occurred as a result of the presence of the tumour but possibly combined with exhaustion. The combination caused an electric shock to shoot across his brain causing the seizures. He was very positive that as tumours go this was the best case scenario.
Owen would need to take epilepsy medication for the foreseeable future to prevent any further seizures. In that moment that was one of my biggest prayers, please no more seizures.


Owen was discharged by 3pm! Praise the Lord! Such a relief! So we were home by 4pm and Quinn didn't even get chance to miss him. Another answered prayer.
Owen's parents picked up his prescription. Gemma stayed and helped with tea time and bath time. Her husband joining us as well. It was all a blur. We were physically and emotionally exhausted. I fell asleep feeding Jonah, Owen fell asleep on the sofa. Friends dropped in and left a whole load of sneaky food and yummy snacks. Gemma and Ed let themselves out! What a day!


Even with all that was happening and the news we were being given, God's hand at work was so apparent. We did not feel overwhelmed. We were not crushed by the weight of it. And even at this stage I was beginning to be strengthened by the Joy of the Lord.


Hmmm, another emotional post to write. More deep breathes needed!


Thank you for reading.


Huge Blessings.


Much Love


Rachael xx

Let Me Be Singing When The Evening Comes

Dear Friends and Family,


I would like to begin by saying thank you for your encouragement in writing this all down. I pray that it is in some way a blessing for you to know how your prayers are being answered.




I would also like to thank those of you who have liked my Facebook page. These technological things are not really my forte but I think it's set up in a way that serves the purpose! The link for my page is https://www.facebook.com/onwingslikeeagles/ if you wish to follow my writing via Facebook.
 


And so....the next chapter of the story. Deep breathe! This particular post is going to be the hardest to write, the biggest release, and I may just cry the entire time I'm writing it, so I apologise for any typo's, I may not be able to see the screen properly through the tears. But as with this whole story I know God will enable me to write what needs to be written in a way that gives Him all the glory and without too much trauma on my part!




On the 3rd June, which happened to be during half term, we had had a normal day of doing odd jobs and popped out to get our normal Friday night pizza from Sainsbury's deli counter. We came home, unpacked the shopping and got the garlic bread in the oven and the corn on the cob going on the hob.  We were all a bit tired, it had been a busy half term, Owen especially so with getting up to write reports at the crack of dawn and Jonah not sleeping properly. But on the whole everything was normal. We sat down to eat, and as Owen reached round to get Jonah's corn for him our evening took turn for the worse. At first I thought Owen had dislocated his shoulder, he had complained of pain in his shoulder for a while, and his reaction looked as if he was in extreme pain. I panicked, thinking I'd have to help him get it back in somehow, so I'm asking what he needed me to do. Jonah is standing up in his highchair watching and crying and Quinn is crying behind me. Within a matter of seconds he went from this to a full body convulsion. I immediately rang for an ambulance. The man I spoke to on the phone was amazing, so calm and spoke with me until the ambulance arrived. Meanwhile Owen is still fitting, his tongue appeared to have swollen and he at one point went grey as it blocked his airways. I yanked him sideways and forwards to open his airways and then thankfully the ambulance arrived.




And another deep breathe.




The first responders started to assess Owen and ask me questions. I quickly sent messages to several friends and family to ask for prayer, also contacting a couple who work for our church and live over the road to ask if they could come and just be with me and the kids in the house. As I did this Owen went into a second fit. I took Quinn and Jonah upstairs so none of us had to watch it all happen again. I will tell you this, it is the scariest thing I have ever seen. Watching Owen have those fits and having no idea why, or what they meant. Watching him all I was thinking was this is just not my husband, it doesn't look like him. It was like watching a horror movie.


By now the second ambulance had arrived, meaning there was a total of 4 paramedics in the house.
I went between the children and the paramedics as they updated me on what was happening with Owen. I was asked if it was likely that he was on drugs as his current symptoms were consistent with a bad reaction to recreational drugs!
They kept telling me that Owen was "agitated"!  Major understatement!! He was fighting the paramedics, all 4 of them! Two of them were ex-military and rugby players! They came out sweating! Their comment, "He's a strong lad isn't he?!".


They eventually got him into the ambulance but couldn't go anywhere while he was still "agitated"! They gave him a sedative...it didn't come close to calming him! The air ambulance flew a doctor in to give him a second dose of sedative. Eventually he was calm enough to transport to Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading. I was even able to speak to him briefly before he left, he was completely clueless with no idea what had happened.


By now a couple of other friends had arrived to help in any way they could, and Owens parents had both arrived. The pizza, by the way, was a solid black Frisbee by this time...cheese on toast instead!
I put all my focus on getting Quinn and Jonah to bed, giving them some normality, and when they were asleep I went to the hospital with Owen's parents. So grateful not to have to drive myself, I felt so sick.


When we got to the hospital we were told that Owen had had a third seizure. He was in and out of sleep. Initially he knew we were there but still seemed very confused. The longer we were there the worse he seemed to get. He was violently sick, which if you know me well enough you'll know I found that particularly hard. At one point he sat up looking scared and had no idea who we were. He didn't know me.


Deep breathe.


Being in that cubicle in A&E pushed me to my limit. I had to keep going outside for fresh air. I felt so sick and my whole body was completely tense. But we couldn't leave until we had the results of the CT scan that had been done just before we had arrived. It sounds awful to say that I wanted to just get away from the hospital, but the whole environment made me feel so scared.


Eventually, at 00:30 we were told that the scan showed a mass on Owen's brain, a tumour. I felt numb. What do you do with that piece of information?! I didn't do much with it, I couldn't take it in!


I said goodnight to Owen, though he was sleeping. We went home. I went to bed and tried to go to sleep. I sang over and over 10 000 Reasons by Matt Redman in my head.


                        Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
                         Let me be singing when the evening comes.


It was a long night and only the comforting presence of my little boy at 5am when he came in for a feed helped me to get some more restful sleep. All I could hold on to was that my God, who had warned me the storm was coming, would also see us through it safely.


And so...there you have it. The beginning of our storm. I'm sorry it was so long. If you have made it to the end, well done!


Until next time I pray God blesses you all.


Much Love


Rachael xx

And After You Have Done Everything, To Stand

Good Morning!


Hope you are all well.


As promised, here is the next instalment.


When I think about when this all started, for me, I think it started almost 2 years ago. That probably isn't what you expected me to say, but let me explain.


I like to go to the evening service at our church, it's my time out, opportunity to recharge and I feel able to focus on God in a way that I find harder in the family service and during the busy week. During one of these services nearly 2 years ago I decided to go for prayer. The lady who was praying for me felt God saying that our armour (mine and Owen's spiritual armour, in case you weren't sure! Ephesians 6:10-18), was strong and that it was going to be proved. That there would come a time where it would put to the test to show how strong it was...hmmm! This can only mean one thing! That we were going to go through a flipping hard time! That was the first indication that something tough was on its way.


The second indication was maybe 3 or 4 months ago. Again, while I was in the evening service, I had a picture of myself kneeling on the beach in the shallow waves. Above me and on the horizon were enormous storm clouds. I mean huge!
The song 10 000 Reasons seemed to link with this picture also.


And the third indication came when I shared this picture with a friend the next morning and she had also had a picture that she thought was perhaps for us. Her picture was of a ship caught in the middle of a stormy sea, being knocked around by the ocean. For the people on the boat it felt like there was no hope, but in the distance the lighthouse is searching for the boat and finds it. There is new hope as the lighthouse keeper knows where they are and will keep them in his sights. They can relax as there is promise of safety and solid ground, the lighthouse keeper won't let them drown. 


These three things combined prepared me for the fact that something pretty major was on its way.
After the first word from God about our armour it was on my mind for a while, waiting to see what might be coming! In hindsight, that was probably a bit foolish, as with God timing is just a smidge unpredictable! So when these two storm pictures came nearly two years later I knew I had to trust in God's timing and just know that whatever it was would come at the right time and that God would carry us through.


I remember saying to my friend that the storm clouds I saw in my picture looked exciting, terrible, but exciting! There was beauty in them. Wow! And I can tell you for a fact that there is, God is good and he is carrying us through while showing us the incredible beauty that can come in such a time as this.


Until next time I pray God's blessing on you all.


Much love


Rachael xx

Dear Friends and Family,


I hope this finds you all well and enjoying life.


Firstly I would like to thank all those of you who have been praying for us, you have no idea how much we appreciate your prayers and support. So, thank you! 


Secondly, I would like to explain how I come to find myself writing to you all in this way. A couple of weeks I ago I read a blog, I can't remember what it was about, probably children or marriage...or both! Anyhow, while I was reading this article it got me to thinking about how blogging is a great way to tell a story to a lot of people at once. I began to wonder if it would be a good idea to start writing our story in this way so that you might be able to see how your prayers are being answered and how God is at work in our lives.
It turns out that as you contemplate writing down your daily life experiences, feelings and faith (or lack of) for all to see, a certain amount of anxiety begins to slip in! So I prayed that if it was of God, if this wondering and desire to write was from Him, that He would prompt someone else to suggest it to me. You'll never guess what happened only a couple of days later! While chatting with a friend about where things were at I mentioned that I had been writing it all down so that I could record all that God had been doing in the midst of it all. Her first comment was, "Rach, have you ever considered writing a blog? I think you'd be really good at it!".


And so here we are! Sometimes it's just about being obedient isn't it and ignoring your feelings of fear about something. Trusting the One who has called you to it, knowing that he will give you all you need to make it happen.
I hope to tell you our story over the coming days, weeks, months. From the beginning of course! The story of how we have come to find ourselves in the place we are right now, awaiting results for multiple brain scans and a date for brain surgery in the coming month.


I hope that I will be able to tell it well, to do justice to all that God has and is doing.


I will post the first instalment in the next few days.


Much love and God Bless


Rachael xx