Dear Friends and Family,
It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything, partly because I wasn't in the right frame of mind and partly because I just didn't feel it was right. But now it feels appropriate to update you again and so I hope this finds you all well.
The last couple of weeks have not been easy. What has felt such a long way off over the summer is suddenly only a week away. Next week sees two visits to Oxford for more testing and the pre-op on Monday and Wednesday respectively, then the operation on Thursday.
When people have asked how we're doing over these past couple of weeks the only word that has come to mind is 'Looming!'. There's been a real feeling of the operation looming just ahead of us and all of a sudden we can't push the thought of it away any more. We can't push aside the little worries and anxieties that previously we've been able to ignore. Now, we have to face them. Head on! (so to speak!).
I'm not sure I can fully verbalise all those anxieties, but some were to do with Quinn and Jonah and the upheaval they will go through next week with us not being around for half the week, some to do with how full on it's going to be with going backwards and forwards to Oxford, the enormity and seriousness of the operation and the risks, and the unknown of the recovery and possible side effects. For Owen the worries come from concern of being in hospital for longer than expected and the tumour being worse than they originally thought.
These things were coming into my head on occasion but I think the biggest demonstration of my personal fears has been made apparent physically rather than mentally. I have struggled to sleep well, I have had aches and pains, particularly in my back, I have felt distant and more fearful than I have felt since this all started. Horrible. Just horrible. It's crazy how your body takes on the stress of your mind, something I've talked about with a couple of friends recently.
Over this time I have come across the same verse over and over again. And of course I ignored it! Not intentionally, but I did! The verse was, 'Be still and know that I am God.'.
In other words, 'Stop! Focus on me in the midst of it all. Realise that I am God and have full control over this situation.'. But my mind was not in the right place to read this verse and actually apply it. I couldn't live in the truth of it. This verse has been really significant for me in the past so it was strange to read it and not be able to take it in and make myself be still in the midst of it all.
Mixed in with the tiredness, physical struggles and worries hovering in the back of my mind there has been normal daily life stuff. Jonah has been ill, Quinn is still adjusting to the busyness of school and so by Thursday in the week is exhausted, and Owen has had several late finishes at school with parents evenings (which are fine but just that bit more to the tiredness). So on Sunday night when there was a call for those wanting prayer for healing to go and receive it I went. I asked for prayer for Owen's head (obviously!), but also for my back which had been particularly painful, almost feeling injured in some way. The lady who prayed for me had a picture (a vision) of an autumn leaf falling from a tree with the words 'Let it go!'. (I know all you Disney fans now have the song going through your head!). Initially I wasn't sure exactly what it might mean, but as she and others prayed more for me and Owen I began to realise just how much I was holding on to with regards to the operation. How much anxiety I had built up without realising. As I began to talk about it with ladies praying for me it all came flooding out, it was a relief. I still didn't feel at ease but it was a relief to have verbalised my worries.
As this last week has gone on I have felt a nudge to pray for our sleep, not just to pray for our sleep but to plead with God for consistently good nights. To be persistent in my prayers, I asked prayer for this in my last post also. I can tell you that these last 3/4 nights we have both had deep restful sleep, not disturbed by restlessness or by children (even though they have both woken or moaned in the night), even when we have woken in the night we have fallen back to sleep quickly and it hasn't affected our feeling of restfulness the next morning. So thank you for your prayers in this area, so much! I ask that you please keep praying for this over the next few weeks.
On Wednesday night, after I reinstalled the Bible app on my phone, now that I have a phone again, I read the last couple of days of the verse of the day. Monday's verse was, 'I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' (Psalm 16:8). That was all I needed! It was one of those moments, of which I have only had a couple of times before, where I instantly felt the power of the words I was reading. I felt the able to face the next week. I can do this now! I'm ready! Next week can happen now because I'm ready for it! Let's do this!
Suddenly all the reassurance I'd felt at the beginning came flooding back and I felt the same peace and reassurance that all would be well, that the glory of God would be seen through what has to happen next week. God is good!
After reading the verse I had a little cry and all the physical tension was released also.
I would like to add that just because God has given me this peace and readiness to go through next week, doesn't mean I don't still feel the enormity of it. I know that Owen has a feeling of relief that it is finally here and that the beginning of the end is close, but that he also still feels the enormity of it too. It's the biggest, scariest challenge we have faced so far, both individually and in our marriage. If we didn't have God I genuinely don't know how we would have coped, or how we would face next week. Some may see belief in God as a crutch. But you know what, a crutch is designed to hold you up, support you, give rest to the injured limb and enable you to walk through this life. My God does this and unbelievably more. I wouldn't be without Him.
So as we go into next week, we really value your prayers and knowing that so many of you are praying for us in this. Thank you again.
I'll update you as I'm able and give you reports of how the operation has gone.
Many Blessings to you all, Much Love
Rachael xx
