His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Dear Friends and Family,


I come to write this post feeling tired. Eyes half closed and a little unsure of what to tell you next. So I'm just going to start writing and trust that God will give me the words.

I left you last time, at the end of that first week, with unknowns. We didn't know if Owen had a tumour or if it was swelling on the brain. We were waiting for dates for scans. We didn't know if he had been referred to John Radcliffe or if this was going to be dealt with by Royal Berkshire.

The next couple of weeks answered a few of those questions. Firstly we received a letter from Royal Berkshire saying that Owen would have an MRI scan at West Berkshire Hospital (in Newbury, Praise the Lord!). Then a week later we received a letter from John Radcliffe saying that Owen had an appointment there with a neurosurgeon the following week! Slight confusion over appointments set by two different hospitals but hurrah for opportunities to get some answers!

I personally was so pleased that we had the appointment at John Radcliffe. It put my mind at ease knowing that we would be able to get the opinion of some of the top specialists in the country. This letter arrived on 25th June (having been written in the week after his seizures!) and the appointment was for the 28th June! So we didn't have to wait long!

Tuesday came round and Owen's mum came to take him to Oxford for his appointment. I went into town with the kids  taking them to Camp Hopson (Newbury's department store) toy department to look at all the toys. The two sales ladies were amazing and chatted with Quinn and Jonah, allowing them to play with some of the toys they had on display.

It's funny, I did not expect this part of the story to make me feel emotional, and yet here I am with tears in my eyes! I think looking back on it those ladies had no idea how helpful they were being in paying Quinn and Jonah so much attention. They were my angels that day. Offering me a little bit of strength while I waited to hear from Owen.

As we left the toys behind and did a couple of errands Owen rang to tell me how the appointment had gone. It was definitely a tumour. They had reviewed his original scans and were certain that it was a tumour, not swelling.

He did say that the seizures were a positive thing, that they were the very earlest indication of the tumour, that we had been alerted to its presence early on. He also said that from the scan they could tell that it was not cancer! Woowoo!

A lot of what was being said was positive; not cancer caught early, easy to remove. And yet I felt like I was being told again for the first time that Owen had a tumour. It hit me hard! Walking back to the car park I had to really try hard not to cry. I had to remind myself that nothing had changed, God was still in this, His hand was on every detail of what was happening and what was to come.

When I got home I managed to get hold of my sister to update her on what was going on. As I spoke with her God seemed to be at work because my initial shock and fear that had come over me after speaking to Owen was very quickly replaced with the peace and the knowledge that God has got this! It was going to be okay!

As I managed to get hold of my parents and a few friends, the more I talked about it the more confident I became.

Owen had invited two of our elders from church round that evening so that we could cover this new information in prayer. Our time with them was really lovely and we talked through where things were at, allowing us to process it all.

They prayed with us and as they did I was reminded of the verses that are also part of a song that say "His eye is on the sparrow." I saw a picture of an eye, with the silhouette of a sparrow in the centre of the eye. The verse this relates to is Matthew 10:29, " Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Even sparrows do not fall outside the Father's care! What encouragement! How marvellous to be confident in the knowledge that we are safe in the Father's care.



Having come to write this post with no idea what I was supposed to write I seem to have found the words! I hope that our story as I am recording it is making sense. If anything doesn't make sense please do feel free to ask, whether it's about the medical stuff or our faith. We will gladly attempt to answer any and all questions.

For now I think it might be time for bed!

So thank you for reading and until next time God Bless and much love.

Rachael xx

Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full

Dear Friends and Family,


I hope you are all enjoying your summer? For those of you on Facebook, I've enjoyed looking at your holiday photos. Hope you all had restful and restorative time away.


The next chapter of the story is in the week that followed the main event. I feel I should begin by saying (in case you don't already know this!) that ordinarily Owen is the super optimist and I am the.. I don't want to use the word pessimist... I'd like to say realist, in our marriage!
So, bearing that in mind the week went like this...
...I mentioned in the last post that elders from church came to pray for us on the Monday and left us feeling uplifted. With a sense of God's hand on us, believing for healing in whatever form that may take and for a sense of the joy of the Lord as my strength. God absolutely delivered on this promise for me. Absolutely supernatural, inexplicable joy! The situation we were in and what I had witnessed Owen go through should have had me a frazzled mess. But I felt calm, I felt positive, I felt a joy that I believe can only have come from God because it just did not make sense by human thinking. This let me be what Owen needed in those first days. The optimist.


I mentioned before that watching him go through it all that he did not look like my husband. In the week that followed he still did not appear to be the man I married. Understandably, he needed much reassurance that things were going to be okay. But  I can tell you that in the back of my mind I was wondering if those seizures had done long term damage. Damage to his memory and his state of mind. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to stay strong and to answer Owen's questions, and to remain positive. We appeared to have switched places. In these days we held on to the words of the doctor that as tumours go this was the best case scenario.


It is worth noting here that the epilepsy medication, Kepra, that Owen is on made him feel really rough and took a long time to adjust too, this also impacted his recovery and mind set. He had also been told that he would not be able to drive for a year, could not be alone with the children and would need to do nothing but rest for the foreseeable future.


As the week went on Owen slowly began to feel more positive. As he improved I slumped. The adrenaline wore off and exhaustion hit. By Friday I felt I could've slept  for the whole weekend. Owen was struggling with the side effects of the medication but was becoming more himself again. I began to feel very low and felt the weight of it all.


In amongst all this we had the blessing of Quinn's 3rd birthday! So lovely to have a day devoted to her with pancake breakfast, lunch out, playtime with friends at the local splash park and then birthday cake and strawberries back at ours. She was soooooo unbelievably excited and had been looking forward to her birthday for so long that it was especially important that we make it a special day for her even if it was planned at the last minute. It was simple but special and she loved it. Just to break up the writing, here is a picture of Quinn blowing out her candles!

           

The day after Quinn's birthday we received a phone call from the doctor at Royal Berkshire Hospital. He said that having reviewed the scan they were questioning if it was a tumour or whether it was possible that it was just swelling on the brain. This came as I was hitting my low point and Owen was beginning to feel more positive. He felt optimistic about this information, that  it may not be a tumour. I felt uneasy about it, that things became suddenly even more unknown. Was it a tumour or was it swelling? If it was swelling, what caused it? But I had to remain positive, and hold my tongue. Trusting that despite all the unknowns for us, it was not unknown to God and that he was in every single detail of what was going on. Patience!

That evening some friends, who we had already organised to come round about a month before, came round for pudding (which they ended up bringing themselves! Thank you Neil and Sandra!). The evening was spent talking it all through, processing, in a Spirit filled atmosphere. Our conversation felt guided and led to Neil and Sandra praying over us at the end of the evening. The feeling that remained was one of privilege. This sounds odd I realise! But we felt genuinely privileged to  be a part of whatever it is that God is doing in this. We all had such a sense that this was bigger than us, and that God was already and would continue to use this situation for His glory. That no matter where we were at with it, how we felt about it, whether we were having a good day or a bad day, His purpose would be fulfilled and it would be good. Praise the Lord!!

We continue to have good days and bad days in all this, but I can tell you that God is absolutely carrying us through, protecting us and giving us all that we need daily.

Thank you for reading.

God Bless

Much Love

Rachael xx

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength

Dear Friends and Family,


I hope this finds you well.


We have just returned from York. It was lovely to see some of you, and thank you again for your prayers and encouragement.


I guess my writing will now be about the lessons we have been learning, how we have experienced God in the midst of it all and the mixture of highs and lows.
Eventually I'll catch up with myself and when I write it will be an actual update rather than looking back on what has past. For now it will be remembering's!


I left you last time on the day Owen returned home from hospital. The next day was kind of a turning point for me. From scared and wondering what the heck was going to happen to complete peace that passes all understanding and a sense of purpose in what we were living through. If you can begin to see purpose in something it changes your whole outlook on it I think.


So, the next day was a Sunday. I had been thinking that maybe I would take Quinn and Jonah to church and leave Owen at home to rest, but he was certain that he wanted to go. This was unnerving but also encouraging at the same time! We all needed some kind of normality. We needed prayer and the support of our church family.


We had been told that church was holding a prayer meeting for us before the service, and as we arrived at church we were told that an encouraging number of people had attended and that the sense of support and unity that was displayed was amazing. This was our first indication that this was not just about us and the situation we were going through, it was bigger than that. God was already using this for far more than we would ever know, and one aspect of it was about calling the Church to prayer. To unite and to press in to God.
This was again displayed when the whole church prayed for us as one during the service. So uplifting.


I can't tell you who was speaking that morning or what was said, but I can tell you how God spoke to me. He spoke of joy, of strength, of His almighty power and His glory, of his working on our behalf and of how he would use this to speak to others.


The verse that was strong in my mind was Nehemiah 8:10. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." It had been on my mind for a few weeks already and now it seemed especially appropriate and necessary. What a marvellous lesson to learn, what a joyful lesson to learn! Who doesn't want to be joyful at the best of times, but especially in adversity.


I also began to think of how amazing it is that we know the CEO of the Royal College of Physicians, and how he was able to ensure that Owen received the best care while he was in hospital in the days before. God is good....and yet! How silly I felt when I had the sudden realisation that we have THE KING OF KINGS and THE LORD OF LORDS acting on our behalf every single step of the way!! Flipping amazing!! Who are we to worry when THE King is fighting for us!


My third line of thinking was of our friends and family and how this might impact them; of how God might use this for his glory and to speak to those around us in new ways. An opportunity for us to speak of God's hand on us throughout and all our answered prayers; an opportunity for his goodness and glory to shine.


Owen gave testimony that morning of the healing he had experienced only a couple of months before in his foot after he had broken it playing hockey. He had been facing surgery but when he had gone for prayer he felt a pulsing through his foot and at the X-ray he was told it was now healed. What marvellous timing. God had taught us truths about Himself in a relatively minor incident before we face a more serious situation! Jehovah Rapha! The Lord our healer!


We were given a pile of paper with verses and prayers and encouragements that people had written over the course of the weekend and during the prayer meeting that morning, and we were given the passage 1 Peter 1:3-9,


  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end results of your faith, the salvation of your souls."


Wow!


The next day when elders came to pray for us I was given the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength." There seems to be a theme emerging here! I was already feeling uplifted and joyful, a positivity that I'd never experienced before. An enabling to be what Owen needed me to be to support him and our family. To be strong and positive and courageous in the face of the giant we were facing.


Here ends another letter!


God Bless and Much Love to you,


Rachael xx


P.S: It seems that the comments section of the blog is not working (I will try and work out why), so if you would like to leave a comment or ask any questions please do so by Facebook or e-mail or phone. Thanks!

Good Morning! And a beautiful morning it is as I write. That makes me happy!


I left you last time after probably the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I would like to reassure you that from here on in the reading becomes easier!


The next morning I was in a bit of a daze, just trying to get my head round what was going on. Owen's mum was here and Quinn went and sat with her to watch Finding Nemo. A good friend came really early to do whatever she could to help. She had arrived at the house at 6.30am in case Quinn and Jonah woke up early but then went to walk her dog when we weren't up yet. She came back when everyone was awake and did washing up, got breakfast for us and made drinks. She took Quinn out for a walk and got her a comic. Such a huge blessing, just thinking about it makes me so grateful and a bit emotional. An amazing servant.


I still felt very on edge and nervous about going back to the hospital. I didn't know how Owen would be, whether he would be feeling more normal again or whether he would still be out of it and sick. I didn't know if he would know about the tumour.


I rang the hospital a few times, trying to find out how he was and which ward he had been moved to. The doctor I needed to speak to was on her rounds and so every time I rang I wasn't able to speak to her. I got a shock when the house phone rang and it was Owen! What a relief to know he remembered me! To know he remembered he was married and our phone number!! I didn't say anything about the tumour on the phone because I didn't know what he had been told by the doctor. He knew he was having an MRI scan that morning and he knew he had had seizures and been sick the night before, but that's all we talked about. I said we would get to the hospital as soon as we could.


It took longer than expected to get ready! Partly because I just couldn't think what I needed to do, partly because of the children and partly because I was answering messages and phone calls of encouragement and promises of prayers and practical help all morning. The church family is such an amazing thing. I can't stress this enough! The support and prayers we have received throughout  has been mind-blowing. If you ever wonder about the relevance and purpose of the church let me tell you that the power of prayer, of churches across the country and the world even, all praying for the same thing at the same time is immense. We have been upheld by those prayers. Felt the enormous power of them in a situation that should have us falling apart.


Owen's sister came to look after Quinn and to take her to a birthday party she had been looking forward to. Thanks Gemma, that made the day so much easier! And of course she loved spending time with one of her aunties.
Myself and Owen's parents were then able to go to Reading hospital. I felt sick all over again. But as we arrived on his ward we saw him sitting up in a wheelchair being wheeled back from his MRI scan. He was almost himself, obviously tired, but chatting and doing well.
Though he had no real memories of what had happened the night before, or even of what we had done the previous afternoon.
Owen's parents gave us some time to ourselves and took Jonah for a walk. We hugged, cried a bit, talked about what had happened, and my heart swelled with a huge love for husband knowing that I would be lost without him.


While we were eating some lunch the doctor came with the MRI results. They were fairly certain that there was a 2-3cm tumour at the front of his brain. An operable position. The scans would be sent to John Radcliffe in Oxford to be looked at by the specialists to determine the next step. This could be a biopsy or complete removal straight away. Brain surgery! Hmm!
He said that the seizures had almost certainly occurred as a result of the presence of the tumour but possibly combined with exhaustion. The combination caused an electric shock to shoot across his brain causing the seizures. He was very positive that as tumours go this was the best case scenario.
Owen would need to take epilepsy medication for the foreseeable future to prevent any further seizures. In that moment that was one of my biggest prayers, please no more seizures.


Owen was discharged by 3pm! Praise the Lord! Such a relief! So we were home by 4pm and Quinn didn't even get chance to miss him. Another answered prayer.
Owen's parents picked up his prescription. Gemma stayed and helped with tea time and bath time. Her husband joining us as well. It was all a blur. We were physically and emotionally exhausted. I fell asleep feeding Jonah, Owen fell asleep on the sofa. Friends dropped in and left a whole load of sneaky food and yummy snacks. Gemma and Ed let themselves out! What a day!


Even with all that was happening and the news we were being given, God's hand at work was so apparent. We did not feel overwhelmed. We were not crushed by the weight of it. And even at this stage I was beginning to be strengthened by the Joy of the Lord.


Hmmm, another emotional post to write. More deep breathes needed!


Thank you for reading.


Huge Blessings.


Much Love


Rachael xx

Let Me Be Singing When The Evening Comes

Dear Friends and Family,


I would like to begin by saying thank you for your encouragement in writing this all down. I pray that it is in some way a blessing for you to know how your prayers are being answered.




I would also like to thank those of you who have liked my Facebook page. These technological things are not really my forte but I think it's set up in a way that serves the purpose! The link for my page is https://www.facebook.com/onwingslikeeagles/ if you wish to follow my writing via Facebook.
 


And so....the next chapter of the story. Deep breathe! This particular post is going to be the hardest to write, the biggest release, and I may just cry the entire time I'm writing it, so I apologise for any typo's, I may not be able to see the screen properly through the tears. But as with this whole story I know God will enable me to write what needs to be written in a way that gives Him all the glory and without too much trauma on my part!




On the 3rd June, which happened to be during half term, we had had a normal day of doing odd jobs and popped out to get our normal Friday night pizza from Sainsbury's deli counter. We came home, unpacked the shopping and got the garlic bread in the oven and the corn on the cob going on the hob.  We were all a bit tired, it had been a busy half term, Owen especially so with getting up to write reports at the crack of dawn and Jonah not sleeping properly. But on the whole everything was normal. We sat down to eat, and as Owen reached round to get Jonah's corn for him our evening took turn for the worse. At first I thought Owen had dislocated his shoulder, he had complained of pain in his shoulder for a while, and his reaction looked as if he was in extreme pain. I panicked, thinking I'd have to help him get it back in somehow, so I'm asking what he needed me to do. Jonah is standing up in his highchair watching and crying and Quinn is crying behind me. Within a matter of seconds he went from this to a full body convulsion. I immediately rang for an ambulance. The man I spoke to on the phone was amazing, so calm and spoke with me until the ambulance arrived. Meanwhile Owen is still fitting, his tongue appeared to have swollen and he at one point went grey as it blocked his airways. I yanked him sideways and forwards to open his airways and then thankfully the ambulance arrived.




And another deep breathe.




The first responders started to assess Owen and ask me questions. I quickly sent messages to several friends and family to ask for prayer, also contacting a couple who work for our church and live over the road to ask if they could come and just be with me and the kids in the house. As I did this Owen went into a second fit. I took Quinn and Jonah upstairs so none of us had to watch it all happen again. I will tell you this, it is the scariest thing I have ever seen. Watching Owen have those fits and having no idea why, or what they meant. Watching him all I was thinking was this is just not my husband, it doesn't look like him. It was like watching a horror movie.


By now the second ambulance had arrived, meaning there was a total of 4 paramedics in the house.
I went between the children and the paramedics as they updated me on what was happening with Owen. I was asked if it was likely that he was on drugs as his current symptoms were consistent with a bad reaction to recreational drugs!
They kept telling me that Owen was "agitated"!  Major understatement!! He was fighting the paramedics, all 4 of them! Two of them were ex-military and rugby players! They came out sweating! Their comment, "He's a strong lad isn't he?!".


They eventually got him into the ambulance but couldn't go anywhere while he was still "agitated"! They gave him a sedative...it didn't come close to calming him! The air ambulance flew a doctor in to give him a second dose of sedative. Eventually he was calm enough to transport to Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading. I was even able to speak to him briefly before he left, he was completely clueless with no idea what had happened.


By now a couple of other friends had arrived to help in any way they could, and Owens parents had both arrived. The pizza, by the way, was a solid black Frisbee by this time...cheese on toast instead!
I put all my focus on getting Quinn and Jonah to bed, giving them some normality, and when they were asleep I went to the hospital with Owen's parents. So grateful not to have to drive myself, I felt so sick.


When we got to the hospital we were told that Owen had had a third seizure. He was in and out of sleep. Initially he knew we were there but still seemed very confused. The longer we were there the worse he seemed to get. He was violently sick, which if you know me well enough you'll know I found that particularly hard. At one point he sat up looking scared and had no idea who we were. He didn't know me.


Deep breathe.


Being in that cubicle in A&E pushed me to my limit. I had to keep going outside for fresh air. I felt so sick and my whole body was completely tense. But we couldn't leave until we had the results of the CT scan that had been done just before we had arrived. It sounds awful to say that I wanted to just get away from the hospital, but the whole environment made me feel so scared.


Eventually, at 00:30 we were told that the scan showed a mass on Owen's brain, a tumour. I felt numb. What do you do with that piece of information?! I didn't do much with it, I couldn't take it in!


I said goodnight to Owen, though he was sleeping. We went home. I went to bed and tried to go to sleep. I sang over and over 10 000 Reasons by Matt Redman in my head.


                        Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
                         Let me be singing when the evening comes.


It was a long night and only the comforting presence of my little boy at 5am when he came in for a feed helped me to get some more restful sleep. All I could hold on to was that my God, who had warned me the storm was coming, would also see us through it safely.


And so...there you have it. The beginning of our storm. I'm sorry it was so long. If you have made it to the end, well done!


Until next time I pray God blesses you all.


Much Love


Rachael xx