The blessing of sharing

 

Well, hello!

It's been four years since I last wrote a post, but I felt so strongly to share something today that would be too much and too long to share in a simple Facebook post, and as I was thinking about it I was reminded of this space that I once used to share what God was doing in the life of my family. 

So, here goes...

Many know that back in 2012 Owen and I had a miscarriage, and for anyone who has gone through the same or similar my heart goes out to you. If you ever want to talk about it with someone who has at least some understanding of your experience of loss, I am so happy to listen and to chat. 

In 2017, while talking with a friend who was experiencing a loss, I was prompted to see if there were new services available to women going through miscarriage in our town of Newbury. When we were going through our loss there were no services available to access,  and in 2017 there was still very little support available. What I did find, through the Miscarriage Association website, was that at John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, they had a programme where women who had gone through miscarriage could input into the training of future doctors by sharing their experiences with the fifth year medical students. I was so keen to get involved with this, especially as our experience in the hospital had not been a good one, and this gave me an opportunity to perhaps positively influence someone else's experience down the line. I got involved straight away and have been doing it ever since. 

Fast forward 6 years, to today, I have just returned from another session of talking to medical students about our experience and I am so humbled by God's touch, and wowed by His presence in that room today. Tears are coming to my eyes as I think about it. 

When I share with students I mention to them that I am a Christian and that the support of other Christians and our church were key in helping me to come through the miscarriage. I had a conversation with the course director a few years back where I had asked her if she was happy for me to talk about my faith, to which she was really sweet and gave me her blessing. 

Today, was no different, I shared with the small group I was with that I was a Christian and how the support and prayers of Christian friends and family had carried me through. Today though, I had two Christian girls in my group! They came to me after the session and wanted to know more! They wanted to know the details of how God had carried me through, whether it had strengthened my faith and they even encouraged me to share more of those details with future students. If, by any small chance, they ever happen to read this, Blessed and Francesca, thank you for your encouragement!

After every session all the Patient Tutors (that's what we're called) gather together to feedback and debrief with each other, which is often a beautiful time together and gives us space to share with each other about the details the session has brought to the surface for each of us. Having spoken with the two girls from my group I went to join the debrief and, filled with encouragement from Blessed and Francesca, took the opportunity to ask the other women how they felt about me sharing the faith details of my story with the students in future. I was given the perfect opportunity to share with these women a small testimony about how God had been at work in my life in the midst of our loss! 

The theme that had arisen several times in today's session was mental health, and the impact a miscarriage can have on us. I had shared with the whole group that my mental health had significantly dipped after our loss. That grief had washed over me in waves and the constant backwards and forwards to the hospital had taken its toll. But up in York a lady, who I had never even met, but who was a friend of my mums, had been praying for me. She had also been through a miscarriage. She sent me a message one day saying that she had received a picture from God for me, an image that He had planted in her mind, of a small yellow flower growing up out of a crack in a boulder. She wasn't completely sure of its meaning, but perhaps along the lines of God bringing beauty of a hard time. She wondered if it had a particular meaning for me. 

My mind went immediately to a chapter in a book called Hinds Feet on High Places, an allegory about a character called Much Afraid on her walk with the Shepherd (Jesus) to the High Places. On this journey she goes through trials and struggles as well as moments of beauty and blessing. One section of her journey is to walk through the desert, or tough times, which take her off course on her journey to the High Places. She is angry and upset at this detour, but as she learns the lessons of the desert, how it refines us and draws us closer to God, she comes across a small yellow flower growing as a result of a small drip from a pipe. No other flowers or plants are growing in the desert except for this on yellow flower. As she asks the name of the flower, the reply comes, "Acceptance with Joy". As I read those words when I looked back to that chapter, I felt an immediate lightness. The weight and sadness I had been feeling lifted. I knew in that moment that Jesus was walking with me through all that we had gone through, and that by His Spirit he was pouring out His peace and love on me. I knew that I could carry on. 

I shared this testimony with the other Patient Tutors. They were touched by the story and also encouraged me to share this with future students as it was such a significant part of my journey.  I came away with such a strong sense that God had been so at work in our time together this morning and that it was important to share this. What a blessing and so humbling to be able to share a small part of my testimony with these ladies, and to be encouraged to share that testimony with future students. Just amazing to have that door opened even further. 

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading! This may be a one off, coming back to the blog, but I have so loved sharing with you. 

Huge blessings on you, 

Rachael xx

Bringing Order to Chaos

Good Morning!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything, and the reason being that when I started writing again I wanted to be sure that each post was something I felt God was laying on my heart to write. Over Christmas and New Year, and even through January I just didn't have that sense of a message I felt it was right to share, and so I guess the regularity of my writing may be seemingly quite haphazard! Although perfectly ordered to Him, I suppose!

Which leads me in nicely to what I'd like to share with you! Order in the Chaos!
I would not say that I am an especially well ordered person! Sure, in some areas of life I like things to be done in particular ways. When I make my toast with peanut butter and banana slices I like my banana slices to be placed in a specific order (which Owen finds very funny!), I like a certain amount of routine to my week, and if something throws off some of that routine life begins to feel very chaotic and unsettling.
But in other ways I love spontaneity, a break from the normal monotony of life, and anyone who has ever been inside our house will know it is anything but ordered or tidy!! I suppose it links with discipline, and when it comes to housework, I'm not especially disciplined!

But here's where my head is at as we start 2019. From the beginning of January God has been speaking to me about my heart. Challenging me to give Him my heart completely, holding nothing back. My prayer has been that God would continually transform my heart, reveal the junk that needs dealing with and in turn transform my way of being, my words and my attitudes. Particularly those areas of my life that I so struggle with on a daily basis (namely parenting!!).

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your hearts, everything you do flows from it."

If our hearts are full of darkness, fear, bitterness and chaos, then this flows out in to all other areas of our life. When chaos is spilling out from the inside, we can often then try to control the things that we can in the external by trying to bring order in to it. Like placing slices of banana on to a piece of toast in a very specific order, writing lists or creating strict routine to order our day!

As Jesus says to the Pharisees in Matthew, "First clean the inside of your cup and dish and then the outside will be clean." (Matt 23:26)

This week I have had the words, "Bring order to my chaos" going round in my head. One of those occasions where even though I am saying the words, I know it is God prompting me to say them. At first I didn't make the link between this and the heart issue. My first response was to try and start bringing order to the chaos in my home (which definitely needs doing!), but as I have thought on it more I realised God was reminding me to keep surrendering my heart to Him. And you know what? The more I surrender my heart to Him, the less chaotic and unsettling the stresses and strains of life become because, "God is not a God of disorder but of peace" (Psalm 19:14), and the more my heart is being transformed to become what He is calling me to become. Less chaos, more order! 

What I love about God, though, is that even when He's bringing order in to the chaos that doesn't mean that there is no beauty, spontaneity or creativity! With Him they exist together! Marvelous!! 

I'd love to know what God is speaking to you about at the beginning of this new year, if it's not too personal to share. 

Have a fabulous week!

Much Love

R xx

Take Off Your Shoes

Good Morning! 

Today I want to tell you about one of my favourite verses, one that has always caught my attention, even since I was a young teenager. Something about it has always spoken to me. 

It comes in Exodus, in the Old Testament,when Moses was living in Midian after he had fled Egypt.
He is out looking after his father in laws sheep when "the angel of the Lord appears to him in flames of fire from within a bush." The bush was on fire but it did not burn. As Moses approaches the bush, God calls to him. As if seeing a bush that's on fire but not burning isn't strange enough, it then begins to talk!! Hard to say how I'd react in this situation, but I guess when a bush starts calling your name it's only polite to answer! 


"Moses! Moses! And Moses said, "Here I am."
 "Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." 

God goes on to tell Moses that he must go to Pharaoh and rescue the Israelites out of slavery. 

It is this verse that I have highlighted that so stands out to me though. It challenges me. 

There is a quote by Elizabeth Barrett Browning that links to this verse, 

                                   Earth's crammed with heaven,
                                   And every common bush afire with God, 
                                   But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
                                   The rest sit round and pluck blackberries. 

The challenge is about our response. It is about how we view God. Who do we know Him to be?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last week, about what it means, and about my own response. 

The basic answer about why Moses must remove his shoes is that it forces him to humble himself before God. It is a symbol of his fear of the Lord. I read in my Bible notes this week that "To fear Him combines reverence for His majesty with respect for His power." (Awaken, Priscilla Shirer). 
In this instance I think Moses must have had no choice but to have a healthy fear of the Lord! God met with him in a big way. In such a way that there was no denying whose presence he was in. 
Removing his shoes gave him time to prepare his heart for the meeting that was about to take place.

The second part of the verse also grabs my attention. "The place where you are standing is holy ground." Holy ground. Made holy because it is the place God has chosen to meet with Moses, to reveal himself. 

Looking back to the quote above, how often do we really recognise when we are on holy ground. Or at least when God is revealing Himself to us, is our response one of reverence and awe or do we make it about us and how we're feeling in the midst of the encounter? 

When we seek Him, and want to have a close encounter with Him, do we think more about the buzz and excitement of it, or stop and bow down and take off our shoes in honour of the King of kings and Lord of lords who stands before us?

I don't think Moses had a choice, God spoke in an audible voice and commanded him to take off his sandals and told him why. But just because we don't often hear an audible voice should we take it any less seriously. 

It's easier to stop in complete awe in those all encompassing, burning bush moments. When He feels close enough to reach out and touch Him. But what about the every day? How do you acknowledge Him and the holy ground you are walking on? The areas of your lives where He is revealing Himself in the ordinary? The details?

Obviously it might not be practical to physically take your shoes off, or get down on your knees, but how do you respond in your heart? 

I'd love to hear your stories. 

Thanks for reading.

Much love and Blessings

R x

Take 2

Dear Lovely People, 

I hope this finds you all well. 

It was over 2 years ago that I started writing this blog, and I started writing because I felt called to, it was on my heart to, and I felt there was confirmation from God. I wrote because I wanted to keep people updated on all that was going on with Owen and his health. 

When things started to settle down after the operation I stopped writing, it felt as though the blog had run its course. The original purpose of the blog was no longer there. The worst of the storm was over. 

And yet here I am, 2 years on, wondering about the blog, with that same sense of calling and desire to write again. 

To be honest, I never stopped writing, I completed one journal and moved on to the next, but my writing has only been for myself and the One I share my life with. Kind of written prayers I suppose. 

Since I have had this feeling of prompting towards the blog again, I have been praying and asking for confirmation, just as I did last time. I asked some friends to pray about it too. I don't want to do it for the sake of it, I want to have a sense of it being right to start again. 

Last week I was chatting with a friend and I mentioned that I was thinking about writing again. Her immediate response was that she had also just been thinking the same for me, that I should start the blog again! Confirmation! So hear I am! 

The desire to write goes hand in hand with my desire to be creative. I have always enjoyed drawing, designing, crafting, making. I have always wished I was more creative than I am. I guess, as I have grown older, my longing to create has become more about wanting to make something that glorifies Him. Whether by writing or by drawing. 

As this thought process has developed, it has made me think more and more about how we are created in the image of a Creator God. THE Creator. The One who has wondrous imagination, flair and vibrancy. What wonders could we then create when we are truly Spirit-led and seeking Him as we imagine into being our art works?

If you remember the series 'Heroes' there was a character who was an artist called Mohinder. His power was that he created art works that told elements of the future. He went into a zone where his minds eye saw something no one else could and he created these amazing works of art. 

Something about that always stood out to me. Obviously not in a superhero way, but in a Spirit-filled, hearing from God way. A longing to draw close enough to Him to be inspired , hearing and seeing what He's showing me, and then creating something that honours Him. 

I can only recall one occasion where I feel He has laid an image on my mind that I have then been able to recreate on a piece of paper, exactly how it appeared in my mind (the picture here). I would love to do this more and more, to give more time to listening to Him....motherhood allowing!! 


I am trusting that as I write, the same will be true, that He will inspire and guide me, that I will be able to create something that honours Him. 

So, I'm excited about starting again, you are very welcome to join me! I'm sure the topics will be many and varied! 

Much Love and Blessings, R xx

Dear Friends and Family, 

I hope this finds you all well!

I can't quite believe it but it's now been a year since the operation!
The year has definitely had it's ups and downs. Including what can only be described as a type of post-traumatic stress following the operation for me, the ongoing wait for the return of Owen's driving licence, but also the marvelous recovery that Owen has made!

At Easter Owen had follow up scans and tests to see how he was recovering from the operation, and also to check that they had managed to remove the whole tumour. 
The scan that he had immediately after the operation showed a white patch around where they had removed the tumour. At this stage they didn't know whether it was scar tissue showing up or whether it was a small bit of tumour they hadn't managed to remove. 
The scan he had at Easter showed that this was now completely clear! Praise the Lord!! All that you could see on the scan image was a hole in Owen's brain where the tumour used to be. Very odd looking! 

After the operation Owen had been having some side effects which meant that he struggled a bit with communication and remembering the right words for what he wanted to say. In those few months after the operation I had been quite concerned about it, especially as the surgeon had told us about another teacher he had operated on who had to leave teaching because he could no longer communicate effectively to teach. 
As we got closer to Easter these side effects in Owen were getting better and better. He went back to work full time and started to play cricket!
When we told  the surgeon all of these things he seemed surprised! 
The nature of removing a brain tumour is that tumour and brain look exactly the same, there is no visual difference between the two. They remove the tumour purely by using the scan images on computer screens around the room and through Owen's responses while they ask him questions through out the 6 hour operation. If Owen couldn't answer a question or responded strangely they knew they were starting to touch on brain rather than tumour and needed to pull back. Basically it is an unbelievably delicate operation. But the fact that Owen's side effects seemed to be getting better led the surgeon to say, "Do you know, I think you might make a full recovery from this?!" 

Oof! What a miracle!!

I can't explain to you the relief and thankfulness I feel. Praise the Lord I am blessed to keep my husband and for him to be making a full recovery with no lasting side effects. 
I am praying for those of you for whom the situation is very different. 

For me, I am glad to be past the anniversaries of a year since the seizures, and a year since the operation. These have both certainly brought back some extremely tough memories, even to the point of suffering with a couple of panic attacks, which I have never experienced before, and also physical and emotional effects of the stress of it all. I received a couple of sessions of counselling this year, after all that's happened, and I can't recommend it highly enough after such a traumatic time. 

And yet here we are, a year later. Owen is doing well, back in to the swing of things at work, and hopefully driving again in the next couple of months (if you pray pleeeeaaaaase pray for this!). The kids are doing great and have come through the last year so well and even, I pray, come to see God at work in our family through it all. 
We'd also love to share with you the news that we will be welcoming little baby Joyce No.3 in April 2018! God is good!! Maybe we should name the baby miracle...?! 

He is good! And His love endures forever! 

Please do ask us more about it and our trust in our God if it all sounds a bit crazy to you! 

Praying His Blessings on you all. 

Thank you for walking with us through this. 

Much Love

Rachael xx

Yes to 2017!

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you all had marvellous Christmas and New Year celebrations.

It's been quite a while since I last wrote, partly because it just didn't feel right and partly because I didn't really know what to tell you. This week it suddenly felt right to update you again, something to do with the new year I think.

So, Owen went back to work 2 weeks before the school Christmas holidays. 2 weeks turned out to be a perfect amount of time for Owen to slowly get back into work before having a break again over the Christmas holidays. I have no doubt that this was God timing. Given that the date for the operation changed a couple of times and we had originally expected it to be in the summer holidays, it was only when we were given the date of the 27th October that it actually felt right. It felt like that was the date it was always supposed to happen but that human plans kept getting in the way.

Owen managed well with those first weeks back. He is in for 4 hours a day to begin with.  He felt tired at the end of the day, but the kind of tired you feel at the end of any busy day. He needed to rest in the afternoons but he wasn't falling asleep, just having down time. This was a relief for me as I had been uncertain about whether he was ready to go back to work. I was quite worried about him overdoing it and if you know Owen well you'll know that in the past there would have been significant risk of that! I have been pleasantly surprised about how well he has paced himself, how well he has been able to sense when he has needed to rest. Long may this continue! 
He has been back for a little over a week and will continue to work at 4 hours a day until the end of the month when it will increase to 6 hours a day.
Physically and mentally Owen has recovered well, the scar is looking amazing and his hair has grown  over it so that you can barely see it's there now. 

 There has been so much positive in all that has happened and I hope that has come across in my writing. We have a lot to be thankful for. However....I will say that I have never been so unbelievably glad to see the end of a year! (As I am sure many people will understand, many of you have through extremely tough years also!). It's a strange, exhausting and heart wrenching experience watching your husband go through this kind of experience. I can't compare it to anything I've ever been through before. It so completely consumes you and as we approached Christmas and new year I felt such a huge relief at reaching the end of the year. Relief and a range of emotions. I wasn't completely prepared for this, it kind of hit me all over again what we had faced over the last year and how incredibly blessed we are to be in the position we are now in with Owen recovering well. I cried. It helped! We can now put it behind us, it is so last year! Praise God! 

I think there will be one more update on this chapter of our lives, after Owen has his next scan and appointment, but after that I will be drawing this to a close. Drawing a line under it all so we can truly put it behind us. 

All that remains to say is....Bring on 2017!! I'm genuinely excited for the year ahead, whatever it may bring. I now know with absolute certainty that whatever comes our way God will see us through it with all that we need and way more. I'm so looking forward to what he has planned, it's gonna be good! 

I pray that the year ahead brings many blessings for you all.

Much Love

Rachael xxx

'Let Me Walk Upon The Waters'

Dear Friends and Family, 

I hope you are all well. It's been some time since I last wrote and I have actually tried to write this post twice already but struggled to finish it and to know how to update you. As you can probably imagine a lot has happened in the last few weeks and so it's tricky to summarise in just a short post, but I feel this is well overdue now and so I will do my best to give you the details and answers to prayer, 

I think I might start at the end! With the news that the tumour was not cancerous, that the surgeon is fairly certain that they removed the whole of it and that we can begin to live normally again! Praise God! Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support! Again, so appreciated and needed throughout this whole process. 

Something that I do need to tell you that previously I have not talked about is that there is a second smaller tumour that is more embedded in the brain. We have known about it since the summer when Owen had his earlier scans but the surgeon has never shown too much concern over it. Now that we know that the main tumour was not cancer we can relax a little about this second one, however it is still there and does still need your ongoing prayers...please! 
The main tumour has been there for years and years it seems, perhaps even since Owen was born, and it has only now decided to make itself known, so if this is anything to go by then we may have years before the second tumour is any cause for concern, if it grows at a similar rate. If/when it comes to it, it would not be able to be operated on due to it's position and so Owen would have to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy. 

So here's where your prayers are needed! We need a miracle! We need the second tumour to disappear please! 
Owen will have another scan in 3 months time, and then every 6 months after that to monitor what's going on. So we're praying that when we come to one of these scans it is just not there anymore!
Needless to say that the story is far from over! We definitely feel a sense of relief at the operation being over, in knowing we can start to live more normally again, but God is not finished with this story yet. I've no doubt that there's more for us to learn, more opportunities to speak of all that He's doing in us and in this situation, and more chances for people to be encouraged by their answered prayers when we update you. 

The Sunday after the operation I took Quinn and Jonah to church while Owen rested at home. We sang Oceans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY) and it so described where I was at. At that point I was feeling broken, exhausted and fearful of the results of the biopsy of the tumour. We sang this song and I cried. As I listen to it now as I write I'm crying again. It's just as relevant now as it was two and half weeks ago, only now I'm not fearful. I'm not scared of the next chapter. As the song says,  
                   Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
                   Let me walk upon the waters 
                   Wherever You would call me
                   Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
                   And my faith will be made stronger
                   In the presence of my Savior.

I'm ready to say yes to whatever God has for us next. If that is a miracle I'm excited for it, if it's to face chemo and radiotherapy I know my God will lead us through and help us to 'walk upon the waters.'. 

If you're wondering about God and suffering, and how we trust him despite our circumstances, I'm not going to say it's easy but equally I can tell you that we absolutely could not have gotten through this with out the assurance of His love and the peace that passes all understanding and the knowledge that the creator of the universe was working in the situation to bring the best outcome. He did not give Owen the tumour, but He has brought about the best case scenario following a very serious operation. He has helped us to keep our eyes above the waves, to keep them fixed on the Lighthouse and to stay strong as a couple and a family. 

I may write a post in the future about the week leading up to the operation and the days around the operation itself, but I think I need a bit of time before I come to that! 

You never know, Owen may even write one himself to tell you a little bit from his perspective! 

Thank you again for your love and  prayers. 

Much love and Blessings

Rachael xx

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

Songwriters: Joel Houston / Matt Crocker / Salomon Lighthelm